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WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a shocking turn of events, hurricanes across the Atlantic have banded together to form a Political Action Committee, “Category Coalition,” to block the newly introduced Loggers Economic Assistance and Relief Act. The bipartisan legislation, which aims to provide federal aid to loggers devastated by natural disasters, has faced an unexpected counterattack from storms who claim they’re just “doing their job” and need “a little more credit.”
“We hurricanes are like nature’s lawnmowers,” said Hurricane Phillip, spokesperson for the group. “We swoop in, give the forest a little trim, redistribute water, and boom—ecosystem refreshed. Now Congress wants to penalize us for doing what we do best? Outrageous.”
Bill’s Intent “Grossly Misunderstood by Storm Community”
The bill, introduced by Congressman Jared Golden (ME-02) and Senator Susan Collins (R-ME), is designed to provide financial relief to logging businesses that lose at least 10% of their revenue due to natural disasters such as hurricanes, wildfires, and drought. However, hurricanes argue that the bill unfairly villainizes their role in nature’s never-ending reboot process.
“Tornados and floods don’t get this kind of scrutiny,” Phillip continued, visibly winded. “Why is it always us in the hot seat? We’re just out here, reworking the land for a fresh aesthetic. You’d think we were the ones starting forest fires or something.”
Loggers Unimpressed by Storms’ Complaints
Industry leaders in the logging community have brushed off the hurricanes’ objections, citing the billions of dollars in damages caused by recent storms. Dana Doran, executive director of the Professional Logging Contractors of the Northeast, compared hurricanes to an overzealous roommate.
“We get it, nature’s gotta do its thing,” Doran said, sighing. “But when you knock over half my furniture, leave your wet clothes all over the place, and then claim you’re ‘just redecorating,’ it’s time for a chat.”
Hurricanes Take Their Fight to Capitol Hill
The Category Coalition has already made a splash on Capitol Hill, swirling into committee hearings and handing out pamphlets with titles like “Let Hurricanes Be Hurricanes” and “Storms Need Respect Too.” Lobbyists argue that the bill ignores the long-term benefits of storm activity, such as spreading seeds and creating new habitats for wildlife.
One unnamed tropical depression, lounging in a Senate hallway, added, “If it weren’t for us, these forests would just be a bunch of overgrown, unproductive messes. So, you’re welcome, I guess?”
Congress Unfazed
Despite the hurricanes’ protests, lawmakers seem resolute in their support of the legislation. “Hurricanes might have their feelings, but they’ve never had to replace a $500,000 logging truck that got buried under a mudslide,” said Senator Collins, shaking her head.
With bipartisan support behind it, the Loggers Economic Assistance and Relief Act is expected to pass without a hitch. Meanwhile, the hurricanes are vowing to regroup and step up their lobbying efforts come the next storm season.
“We’ll remember this,” Phillip declared, ominously swirling back toward the Atlantic. “Just wait till September. You haven’t heard the last of us.”
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