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BREAKING NEWS: US Construction Threatens to Dig Tunnels Into Mexico If 439,000 Workers Don’t Magically Appear.
- Jeremy Borings #1 Fan
- Jan 31
- 3 min read
“We’ll Do It Ourselves—With Shovels, Tears, and Zero OSHA Compliance”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a desperate plea that has left economists baffled and geologists terrified, the U.S. construction industry announced Monday that it will “personally redig every tunnel into Mexico” if 439,000 workers don’t materialize by 2025. The ultimatum comes amid a labor crisis so dire, contractors are reportedly considering hiring feral raccoons and outsourcing to toddlers with plastic tools.
“Look, we’ve tried everything—free high-visibility vests, pizza parties, even offering health insurance that sort of covers broken bones,” said Brick McHammerfist, spokesperson for the National Association of Hardhat Enthusiasts. “But if we don’t get exactly 439,000 warm bodies by next year, we’re grabbing shovels and tunneling south. And not the fancy Elon Musk kind. We’re talking Flintstones vibes.”
Labor Shortage Solutions Get Increasingly Unhinged
With the median construction worker now younger than 42—a demographic shift experts attribute to “millennials finally moving out of their parents’ basements”—industry leaders have proposed radical fixes, including:
Replacing cranes with giant slingshots to fling bricks at half-finished buildings.
Training golden retrievers to operate excavators (“They’re good boys who dig holes anyway!”).
Mandating that all Home Depot parking lot loiterers “prove they’re not just here for the free AC.”
“We’re even considering paying people more,” whispered one contractor, before being swiftly tackled by a lobbyist.
Meanwhile, a local Florida man named “Duke Backhoevich,” who claims to have “invented the shovel,” has vowed to single-handedly solve the labor shortage by training an army of armadillos to operate backhoes. “These critters are natural diggers!” shouted Backhoevich, standing atop a pile of dirt he insists is “the next Grand Canyon.” “My pet armadillo, Shovel, can already dig a hole faster than your lazy cousin Jeff!”
Backhoevich’s plan, dubbed Operation: Diggy McDigFace, involves outfitting armadillos with tiny hardhats and teaching them to unionize for mealworm benefits. “They’ll work for bugs and naps—way cheaper than humans!” he said, while Shovel angrily burrowed into a nearby OSHA inspector’s clipboard.
Critics call the scheme “biologically impossible,” but Backhoevich remains undeterred. “I’ve already dug 17 holes to China this week,” he said, gesturing to a series of shallow divots in his backyard. “One more and I’ll hit oil… or maybe Disney World. Either way, cha-ching!”
Signs at Backhoevich’s Rally:
“MAKE HOLES HUGE AGAIN”
“ARMADILLOS > COLLEGE GRADS”
“SHOVEL 2024: HE’S GOT DIRT ON EVERYONE”
Economists Warn of “Shovel-Based Inflation”
The labor shortage has sent shockwaves through the economy, with the price of shovels spiking 500% and Home Depot reporting a nationwide shortage of Band-Aids. “At this rate, we’ll have to build hospitals using LEGOs and hope,” said Labor Secretary Julie Su, while nervously eyeing a pile of OSHA violation forms.
Contractors, however, remain optimistic. “If we can’t find workers, we’ll just hire interns and tell them it’s a ‘paid internship,’” said McHammerfist. “Sure, they’ll accidentally build a Starbucks instead of a bridge, but at least they’ll work for exposure.”
Mexico Responds: “Please Stop”
Mexican President Claudia Sheinbaum held an emergency press conference Tuesday, begging the U.S. to “please, for the love of guacamole, stop threatening to dig holes into our country.” She added, “We already gave you tacos and Selena. What more do you want?”
SATIRE DISCLAIMER: No raccoons, toddlers, or golden retrievers were consulted in its creation. Yet. Sponsored by Big Shovel™: “When You Absolutely Need to Dig Your Way Out of a Problem.”
NEW: Update: Shovel the armadillo has since unionized and is now demanding a 300% raise in mealworms. Negotiations are ongoing.
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