Bumfart Arksas Takes Initiative in Pre-Trump Immigration Purge

1 Year ago at the Home Depot in Bumfart, Arkansas.

It’s dawn at the Home Depot in Bumfart, Arkansas, and Ralph Christmas is thrilled. Not because of a busy holiday shopping season, but because he’s the only one in line—just the way he likes it. Adjusting his puffy ‘Make America Great Again’ hat, Ralph comments, “I’ve been coming here for years. This place is prime real estate for a handyman like me. Today, I’m sending a message: no Mexicans, no problem—just hire Ralph!”

President-elect Donald Trump has made it clear that he has “no choice” but to pursue mass deportation following his election victory. This bold stance comes without any financial considerations. “When you’ve got criminals running rampant, you can’t worry about a few hundred billion bucks,” Trump told NBC News. He has appointed Tom Homan, the former acting director of U.S.

Immigration and Customs Enforcement, as “border czar.” Homan’s message is straightforward: “If you’re here illegally, you better look over your shoulder.”

Homan’s strategy targets not just undocumented workers but everyone in the country. “When we’re done, we’ll have so few people left that ‘Margaritaville’ will actually become a reality,” he joked at a conservative gathering last week.

The potential ramifications of mass deportations go beyond just political talk—they could severely impact the economy. It’s not just warehouse workers and landscapers who will be affected. The construction industry, housing market, and agriculture sectors will all take a heavy hit. “We don’t have Americans to fill those jobs,” said Chad Prinkey, CEO of Well Built Construction Consulting. “We need these people. What we all want is for them to be documented, not deported.”

According to the American Immigration Council, there are approximately 11 million undocumented workers in the U.S. It’s a large, untracked number—nobody really knows who they are. “If we had a list, it would look like a ‘do not deport’ list,” said Ralph. “And let’s be real, who has time for that?”

Economists predict that potential GDP shrinkage could range from $1.1 trillion to $1.7 trillion. But Ralph takes a more hands-on approach: “The economy will go down. But don’t worry, there’ll still be cheap beer and bait. Maybe a little more expensive. Like a luxury item.”

Jason Leverant, president and COO of the AtWork Group, isn’t worried just yet. “The morning after the election, we sat down as a leadership team and thought, what does this mean for talent availability? Turns out, we’re going to be the only game in town.” AtWork provides staffing in immigrant-heavy industries like warehouses, industrial work, and agriculture. “If we lose any workers, they’ll just come to us. We’re like the last remaining Starbucks in a small town. Everybody will have to come here at some point.”

But what happens if all the workers leave? Leverant isn’t quite sure, but he’s prepared to adapt. “We’ll just go back to what we did in the ‘90s: scrounge for anyone who can hold a wrench. You don’t need documents, just a pulse and the ability to spell your own name.”

The ripple effects of mass deportation will be felt far and wide. “If mass deportation happens, produce won’t make it to market,” Leverant predicted. “And that’s not just a problem for farmers. It’s a problem for our grocery stores and our chili dog vendors. We can’t have our country running on PB&J alone.”

But it’s not just about labor shortages. “It’s a whole thing,” said Leverant. “Look, we might have to start letting tech workers in. Can you imagine? Programmers? Engineers? We’ll have to actually compete for them. And what if one of them gets deported? We’re back to sending smoke signals to tech support.”

Uber Works head Janeesa Hollingshead agrees. “Tech relies heavily on immigrants for crucial roles. Remember when Uber had to tell all its H-1B workers not to go home for Christmas because they might not get back in? Yeah, that might happen again. But now we’ll have to send for them on boats. I hope they’re good swimmers.”

And it’s not just the workers who will feel the pinch. “This will impact everyone, including consumers,” said David Leopold, chair of the immigration practice group at U.B. Greensfelder. “We could see price hikes on everything from Taco Bell to overpriced avocado toast. Not that anyone really knows how many avocados we consume.”

In an interview with NBC News, Trump dismissed these concerns. “It’s not a question of a price tag. We have no choice. People who’ve murdered seven people aren’t staying here. They’re going back. It’s simple math.” And what about the cost of removal? “It’s not a question of a price tag,” Trump reiterated. “We’ll cross that bridge when we build it with the new workers we bring in—preferably from places that don’t know how to use Twitter.”

Bumfart Arksas Takes Initiative in Pre-Trump Immigration Purge

In a bold move that’s taken the nation by surprise, the small town of Bumfart Arksas has assumed a leadership role in expelling immigrants ahead of Donald Trump’s anticipated presidency. Local Mayor and 7th grade science teacher, Mitch Reddy, explained the initiative: “We decided to take an initiative and just kick out all the immigrants and anyone who looked like one. We started in my 7th grade class and it just bloomed from there.” The town, known for its small-town charm and general aversion to change, has found an unlikely hero in Reddy, who seems to have taken a leave from teaching the periodic table to teaching local residents how to identify an immigrant by their suspiciously friendly demeanor.

In a surprising turn of events, Ralph Christmas, a local handyman, is cashing in on the mass deportation fever that has gripped Bumfart Arksas. Since the town’s initiative to expel immigrants ahead of Donald Trump’s inauguration, Christmas’s rates have skyrocketed from $50 an hour to $2250 an hour overnight. Now fully booked three months in advance, Christmas is reveling in the economic boom. “Reddy is a visionary; he probably knows what he’s doing. Mass deportation has been fantastic for my rate,” says Christmas with a grin that suggests he might start charging even more.

When asked about the ethical implications of his skyrocketing prices, Christmas simply shrugged. “Look, there’s always a market for cheap labor. Might as well take advantage of it while I can.” His newfound financial success is a stark reminder of the unintended consequences of Bumfart’s “immigrant purging” policy. “We saw the movie ‘Civil War’ that came out last summer and decided that looked pretty good,” admits Christmas with a chuckle. “Mass deportation, now that’s a real winner. Maybe we can even export a few of these policies to our southern neighbors. Make America rich again.”

Despite Bumfart’s efforts, the town isn’t without controversy. When asked about the ethics of such a preemptive purge, Reddy responded, “If it makes people feel safer and boosts local real estate prices, then it’s a win-win, right?” However, not everyone in Bumfart is on board. Some residents worry about the economic impact of kicking out potential workers, but Reddy remains undeterred. “Hey, I can’t argue with results. We’re already seeing property values go up. And if that’s what it takes to get rid of a few foreigners and raise my re-election chances, well, so be it.”

High Level Overview

One thing is clear: mass deportation across the united states will be a logistical nightmare. “It’s very expensive to remove 11 million people,” said Leopold. “And what if we can’t find them? It’s like trying to catch a fart in a paper bag.”

Prinkey predicts delays and shutdowns in housing and construction sectors. “Building a nuclear facility or a new college campus is doable without undocumented workers. But forget about the average home or an apartment complex in Austin. It could take forever. And that’s if we can find any workers who haven’t already been deported.”

Despite the dire forecast, Prinkey remains hopeful. “Donald Trump is a developer. He understands what’s at stake. A mass deportation would cripple the economy. And that’s something even Ralph Christmas can agree on. As long as Home Depot stays open, we’ll be fine.”

#satire, #trump #ridingwithbiden #MAGA #christmas