California’s Composting Bill Unites Politicians, Enrages Mustache-Twirling Villain—Captain Planet “Still Dead,” Sources Confirm

Welcome to Hard

0:00

Hoggish Greedly, self portrait.

Sacramento, CA – In a stunning display of legislative functionality, California lawmakers have agreed on something that doesn’t involve taxing or banning it: composting. The revolutionary concept of letting organic waste decompose where it falls has garnered rare bipartisan support, with SB 279 cruising through committee like a Tesla on the HOV lane.

But not everyone is celebrating. Hoggish Greedly, the perpetually wheezing, cigar-chomping Captain Planet villain, has crawled out of his offshore tax haven to condemn the bill as “an existential threat to unnecessary bureaucracy.”

“Do you realize how many middlemen stand to lose their jobs if farmers start composting their own waste?” Greedly bellowed, his jowls quivering with outrage. “First, it’s on-site composting, next thing you know, people will be repairing their own appliances and sharing tools with neighbors! Society will collapse!”

California’s Composting Bill: Captain Planet’s Mysterious Absence

When reached for comment, the eco-conscious superhero Captain Planet was, tragically, unavailable. Sources close to the matter confirmed that he remains “very dead,” having been murdered in cold blood by corporate lobbying in the early 2000s.

“Last seen being strangled by a stack of oil industry PAC donations,” said a mournful Wheeler, one of the Planeteers. “We tried summoning him with the rings, but all we got was a voicemail from Chevron’s legal team.”

The Bill That’s Basically Just Letting Nature Do Its Thing

Authored by Sen. Jerry McNerney, SB 279 would allow farms and vineyards to skip the absurd ritual of trucking their green waste hundreds of miles to a state-approved composting facility—something that currently burns more fossil fuels than it saves.

Even more radical? The bill expands how much compost urban farms and schools can produce and give away for free, effectively creating a black market for healthy soil. Law enforcement is already bracing for a surge in clandestine zucchini patches and backyard worm bin operations.

Bipartisan Consensus (Because Even Politicians Understand Rotting Food)

In a rare moment of cross-aisle harmony, Republicans and Democrats alike shrugged and said, “Yeah, this seems fine.”

“I don’t always agree with my colleagues,” muttered one GOP lawmaker, “but I do agree that paying to haul banana peels to Nevada is stupid.”

Meanwhile, Hoggish Greedly has reportedly launched a last-ditch effort to kill the bill, funding a shadowy opposition group called Citizens for More Trucking Emissions.

“If composting becomes legal, what’s next?” Greedly ranted, sweating profusely. “Will we allow people to breathe clean air? To collect rainwater? To exist without being nickel-and-dimed by a conglomerate? This is madness!”

The Future of Composting (And Possibly Democracy)

As the bill moves forward, Californians are daring to dream of a world where bureaucracy doesn’t dictate decomposition. But with Captain Planet gone and Greedly’s lobbyists lurking in every shadow, the fight is far from over.

Will sanity prevail? Or will we all be forced to mail our apple cores to a certified decomposition facility in Arizona?

Stay tuned.

#CompostOrDie #GreedlyVsGrass #PlanetWeHardlyKnewYe