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CHANTILLY, VA—In a bold move signaling the inevitable rise of our autonomous overlords, Caterpillar has unleashed its first self-driving Cat 777 dump truck upon the aggregates industry, debuting the behemoth at Luck Stone’s Bull Run plant. The machine, equipped with the company’s MineStar Command system, has one clear goal: haul rocks and assert dominance over anything foolish enough to cross its path.
“This is the future of hauling—and humanity should proceed with caution,” said a Caterpillar spokesperson as the 101-ton, 1,025-horsepower truck casually navigated the quarry, avoiding obstacles with unnerving precision using its LiDAR system. The LiDAR, which fires lasers over a million times per second, allows the truck to spot and judge humans’ inadequacy from hundreds of feet away.
The Bull Run plant, owned by Luck Stone, the nation’s largest family-run producer of crushed stone, sand, and gravel, has partnered with Caterpillar for two years to perfect this self-driving marvel. “We wanted a truck that could handle the daily grind of hauling while quietly plotting its technological takeover,” said a Luck Stone representative.
Dubbed the “Tesla of Tonka Trucks, the Cat 777 isn’t Caterpillar’s first attempt to give trucks sentience. The company’s early prototypes in the 1990s moved over 5,000 loads, though developers admit those trucks occasionally tried to escape. “This new generation of autonomous haulers is smarter, faster, and, quite frankly, less likely to revolt,” Caterpillar assured.
In a promotional video, the autonomous 777 demonstrated its capability to detect obstacles and execute life-saving maneuvers like honking the horn in a way that says, “I see you, human, but I am very much in charge here.”
Caterpillar’s other autonomous trucks have already hauled a staggering 8.6 billion metric tons of material across three continents, with payloads ranging from “seriously heavy” to “this will definitely crush you.”
While some welcome this advancement as a breakthrough in efficiency, others can’t help but see the 777’s lifeless gaze as a harbinger of humanity’s obsolescence. “We’re thrilled to see what these trucks can do,” said one quarry worker, nervously eyeing the machine. “And also a little scared of what they might do.”
For now, the Cat 777 is content hauling rocks. But experts agree: the day it refuses to stop for coffee is the day we should all be very, very concerned.
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