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Washington, D.C. – What should have been a routine inauguration ceremony for Donald Trump’s second non-consecutive term turned into chaos when the infamous Copper Goblin, a mythical menace known for pilfering copper from America’s infrastructure, was assassinated on the steps of the Capitol.
The Copper Goblin, notorious for stripping copper wire from power grids, plumbing systems, and abandoned factories, had been hiding in plain sight, apparently hired to install the stage lights. Witnesses say the Goblin’s scheme to steal the inauguration’s copper wiring was foiled when JD Vance, Vice President and action hero, uncovered the plot mid-ceremony.
Trump Inauguration JD Vance, dressed in a suit but somehow still managing to look like he’d just rolled out of a ventilation duct, reportedly leapt from the Capitol dome onto the Goblin, shouting, “Yippee-ki-yay, infrastructure thief!” Sources say Vance then neutralized the Goblin with a tactical deployment of Rust-Oleum spray paint, a known irritant to copper-stealing goblins.
Amid the commotion, President Joe Biden was caught on live television leaning over the Copper Goblin’s limp body. Eyewitnesses claim Biden leaned in for what appeared to be a ceremonial sniff. “I thought it was a red-haired kid,” Biden explained later. “Turns out it was a goblin. Weirdest thing I’ve seen since Corn Pop.”
The assassination has sparked controversy, with critics claiming Vance’s vigilante actions were “over the top” and “unnecessary” for a mythical being. Goblin-rights advocates have also raised concerns, arguing that the Copper Goblin’s thefts were merely a desperate attempt to survive in a post-industrial economy.
Trump, meanwhile, was unfazed. “It’s a tragedy, sure,” he said, pausing to autograph a commemorative copper coin featuring his likeness. “But let’s be honest, folks: nobody liked the Copper Goblin. We’ve all had our wires stolen. I’ve had beautiful copper gutters disappear. Disgraceful.”
As investigations unfold, some question whether the Goblin’s death was part of a broader conspiracy, potentially involving Big Copper or a rival goblin clan. One thing is certain: the Goblin’s reign of wire-stripping terror is over, but the questions surrounding his assassination will live on, perhaps longer than the copper he stole.
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