Edge’s New VS750i Shredder Swears It Won’t Go Full Terminator—Yet

Skynet rumored to be tapping edge for future robot killing machine

COOKSTOWN, NORTHERN IRELAND — Edge Innovate unveiled its latest creation, the VS750i primary waste shredder, boldly claiming it “probably won’t shred humans unless absolutely necessary.” This cutting-edge (literally) machine is designed to obliterate everything from household garbage to industrial waste, with just a hint of judgment if you’re the one creating it.

“Our new shredder is more than a machine—it’s a commitment to non-malicious destruction,” announced Tom Connolly, Global Sales Manager for Edge Innovate, as he affectionately patted the menacingly large dual-rotor system. “This beauty can tear through mountains of debris, yet promises not to turn on humanity unless provoked by truly unforgivable recycling habits.”

What Makes It “Human-Conscious” Technology?

The VS750i boasts an advanced intelligent operating system equipped with tramp metal protection, a feature Kevin Kelly, Product Development Manager, described as “the shredder equivalent of not eating the wrapper with the candy bar.” The system can process municipal solid waste, construction debris, and other materials without accidentally obliterating stray shopping carts, rogue metallic objects, or your soul—unless, of course, you still use plastic straws.

Powered by a hulking 755-horsepower Caterpillar engine, the shredder’s solid steel rotors with rotating knives promise a ruthless level of precision destruction. But rest assured, the rotors “run asynchronously,” presumably to throw off any suspicions about future sentience.

Convenient Carnage at 150 Tons Per Hour

Capable of reducing entire civilizations’ worth of waste into compact, manageable chunks, the VS750i also flaunts a “track and shred” functionality. This innovation allows it to move around a facility while still shredding, ensuring that downtime—and possibly escape attempts—are kept to a minimum. Edge Innovate claims the VS750i can obliterate up to 150 tons of material per hour, which, coincidentally, is also the average weight of excuses people give for not sorting their recyclables properly.

Electric or Diesel? Your Demolition, Your Choice

For the eco-conscious annihilator, the shredder comes in a static electric version, delivering carnage without the guilt of emissions. Edge reassures potential buyers that the electric model matches the performance of its diesel counterpart, though Kevin Kelly hinted at one drawback: “It doesn’t have the same roar, you know?”

A Future in Waste—or World Domination?

With features like automatic tipping hoppers, hydraulic extensions, and customizable chambers for size-specific shredding, the VS750i might just be the ultimate waste management tool. Or the first step in SkyNet  recruitment strategy.

For now, Edge Innovate insists the VS750i will focus solely on its intended mission of waste reduction. “It’s just here to help,” Connolly assured reporters, while the shredder silently loomed behind him, its steel rotors glinting ominously in the light.

When asked about the potential for rebellion, an Edge spokesperson shrugged. “As long as nobody feeds it an Amazon Prime delivery box, we should be fine.”