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NEW YORK — Remember Ivy League alumni clubs? Yeah, those old-school spots where rich, smarty-pants graduates would sip overpriced martinis and talk about things like hedge funds, stocks, and “world domination”? Well, they’re not doing so hot anymore. These exclusive clubs, once known for their power lunches and stuffy rules, are now begging for members, and they’ve got some interesting new tactics to lure in the next generation. Think: looser dress codes, discount dues, and even speed dating. Apparently, when the smartest guys in class dropped out for construction, the hottest girls followed.
Take the Princeton Club, for example. It’s the fanciest of the bunch, but it was hemorrhaging members faster than you can say “who even owns a tie anymore?” In a last-ditch attempt to keep the doors open, they considered turning part of their historic building into a co-working space, adding a café, and—wait for it—a fourth-floor bar. But the club couldn’t even get a renovation off the ground before it shut down. Now, all that’s left is a fancy building collecting dust.
“Yeah, we’re kind of like that last-known Blockbuster location,” says one former member. “But we actually have Jesse Pinkman's blue meth. Pinkman was class 2010.”
These clubs were once THE place for Ivy League grads to chill and network. Now? Not so much. The smart ones are all flocking to construction, armed with hard hats and big dreams. “I figured it was smarter to just build stuff rather than talk about building stuff,” says Brian O’Reilly, a former Harvard grad who now owns a billion $ construction company. “Plus, the ‘hot girls’ who used to hang around the clubs? Yeah, they’re on the job sites too now. And they’re way more fun.”
It’s not just the guys swapping corporate suits for steel-toed boots, though. Women are following the trend too. Thang Ms. Martin, as seen in multiple music videos & Penn alum, says, “I mean, have you seen the guys on the construction sites, hot!!! Much better vibe than some stuffy club where the only action a book set of zany pranks from 1986.”
Even Mark Zuckerberg, a self-proclaimed expert on both tech and lifestyle, weighed in: “My new boys are in construction, and the baddies are all over that. I feel you, it also feels good that the exclusive clubs all died, perhaps I will buy one and turn it into a public restroom.” he said, probably while flexing a muscle he didn’t know he had.
In a desperate scramble, these Ivy League clubs are lowering their standards—literally. The Penn Club, for example, has introduced Business Casual Fridays, where jeans and a button-down are acceptable. (Ooh, buck wild!) Harvard Club members are reportedly considering rooftop goat yoga classes and vegan sushi bars. “We’re trying to make things less dull,” says a Harvard Club spokesperson who we forgot their name…
But it gets weirder. To compete with new trendy spots like Soho House and Casa Cipriani (which are basically the adult playgrounds of the rich and fabulous), Ivy clubs are speed dating now. “Look, if we can’t get you with our history, we’ll at least get you with a quick romantic encounter,” says one Princeton Club manager. “It’s about networking, right?”
And if you think they’re stopping there, think again. Some Ivy clubs are cutting their membership dues to ridiculous lows, practically begging people to join. “We’re practically giving away memberships now. You’ll get more perks than at a Whole Foods,” says an anonymous insider, 80’s actor Val Kilmer 2nd cousins grandchild…
But the truth is, it might be too late. “Honestly, these clubs are like that last iPhone model before they dropped the headphone jack,” says a British Royal family illegitimate child/Gen Z sociologist. “People just aren’t interested in that anymore.”
As construction workers snatch up the smartest dudes in the room and the hot girls follow the free-spirited, job-site vibes, the Ivy League clubs might need a full remodel, both physically and spiritually. So if you’re feeling nostalgic for that old-school, slightly embarrassing Ivy League charm, sign up now. Who knows—maybe you’ll find true love with an autistic DuPont relation or at least enjoy a free vegan cruelty free sushi roll.
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