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RENSSELAER, NY—After widespread opposition from residents and environmentalists, Harbor Rock, a New Jersey-based waste management company, has officially scrapped its $100 million incinerator project slated for the Rensselaer port area. While most locals are breathing a sigh of relief, not everyone is thrilled about the decision.
“This incinerator was going to revolutionize how I deal with…waste,” said a local serial killer, who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “You don’t get these kinds of opportunities often, and frankly, I’m heartbroken.”
In an unexpected move, Police Chief Warren Famiglietti has invited the disgruntled individual to a “cordial sit-down” to explore potential alternatives to resurrect the project. “We’re always eager to engage with passionate community stakeholders, even those with…unconventional motivations,” Famiglietti stated. “I’m confident we can reach a solution that meets everyone’s needs—preferably under the bright lights of the interrogation room.”
The mysterious figure, however, declined to comment further and has since disappeared, leading to increased vigilance among residents. “I thought I saw him loading bags into his van last night,” one neighbor reported. “Or maybe it was compost? Let’s just say, we’re locking our doors.”
Meanwhile, Rensselaer’s Common Council is doubling down on its efforts to ban incinerators in the area altogether. Council President John DeFrancesco expressed relief that the project was halted and reaffirmed plans to ensure no similar proposals arise. “We’re committed to protecting the health of our community—and maybe preventing whatever that guy was up to.”
Environmental advocates celebrated the decision as a victory for clean air and local activism, while others were left pondering what might have gone up in smoke—figuratively or literally.
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