Hawaiian County Selects Prime Landfill Site, Homeless Rejoice at Real Estate Boom

In a move that has left urban planners scratching their heads and tent manufacturers popping champagne, Honolulu County announced its latest stroke of genius: siting a landfill near a scenic Dole pineapple plantation. The decision has already sparked excitement among the island’s homeless population, who see the landfill as “the perfect opportunity” to establish the next trendy tent city.

Prime Landfill or new Tent City

“We’ve been waiting for a place like this,” said one prospective resident who goes by the name Aloha Steve. “Where else can you live rent-free with ocean breezes and the smell of rotting produce? It’s paradise...with a twist.”

Aloha Steve's Domicile. "Its bigger inside than it looks."

Mayor Rick Blangiardi, defending the site selection, emphasized the importance of clarity for residents. “For too long, we’ve been kicking the can down the road,” he declared, apparently not noticing the irony of discussing cans in a landfill context.

Environmental Services Director Dr. Roger Babcock chimed in with assurances about the aquifer system’s safety. “We’re going beyond federal and state standards. This landfill will be so advanced, it might as well be a tech start-up.” When asked about local opposition, he simply shrugged, adding, “Water is life, but so is taking out the trash.”

Meanwhile, the Honolulu Board of Water Supply and local councilmembers expressed dismay. “Protecting our drinking water should be our top priority,” one official commented, clearly unaware of the island’s pressing need for an artisanal landfill district.

"Ah, yes, very efficient," said Akiko Tanaka, a tourist from Tokyo, while taking a selfie with the landfill site in the background. "In Japan, we have cherry blossom season, but here, it’s the season of fragrant garbage blooms. Truly, every country has its charm."

If the plan is rejected, Blangiardi threatened to explore even closer landfill sites, sparking fears of a trash heap within walking distance of schools and hospitals. Critics have dubbed this “the ultimate recycling program—turning suburban lawns into compost heaps.”

Stay tuned for updates, as Honolulu’s quest to outdo itself in questionable decision-making continues.

#satire #waste #Hawaii #Dole