Inflation Cools, Hell’s CFO Hak Tuye Vows to Reignite Economic dumpster Fire

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The last know photo of Hak Tuye, AI generated sketch.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The latest inflation report has economists sighing in relief, Wall Street bros high-fiving over oat milk lattes, and one apoplectic underworld overlord plotting to turn your 401(k) into a haunted house. Hak Tuye, the Demon General of Economic Carnage and Part-Time Barista of Despair (espresso shots infused with existential dread), is furious that the U.S. Consumer Price Index (CPI) rose a measly 2.8% in February. In a press conference held in the septic tank of Lehman Brothers’ ghostly corpse, Hak Tuye ranted, raved, and accidentally set a CNBC reporter’s hair on fire with his breath, which smells like burnt crypto and regret.

“2.8%?! THIS IS AN INSULT TO MY WHOLE BRAND!” roared Hak Tuye, his voice echoing through a conference room decorated with cursed Beanie Babies and the skeletons of Blockbuster Video employees. “I orchestrated a masterpiece of chaos! Supply chains? I tangled ’em like my earbuds! Gas prices? I made ’em swing harder than a divorced dad at a trampoline park! And THIS is my reward?!”

Inflation Cools Hell’s CFO: The Great Inflation War: Hak Tuye’s Greatest Flop Since Hell’s ‘Y2K: Take 2’ Initiative

For centuries, Hak Tuye’s resume boasted achievements like “Invented Student Loan Interest” and “Made Avocado Toast a Mortgage Alternative.” But now, his legacy is at risk. “Core CPI at 3.1%? PATHETIC,” he spat, scales quivering. “In 2022, we had a golden era! Toilet paper hoarding! Gas prices funding your landlord’s third yacht! Now? Stability? I’d rather be stuck in a SoulCycle class with a motivational speaker!”

The demon’s fury zeroed in on the Federal Reserve. “Powell’s out here raising rates like he’s gently tapping a ‘Caution: Wet Floor’ sign instead of swinging a wrecking ball! Where’s the chaos? The drama? The pizzazz? Next he’ll cut rates and hand out free puppies!” Hak Tuye then unveiled a voodoo doll of Jerome Powell, stabbing it with a fork labeled “Mild Recession.” “Feel that, Jay? That’s mediocrity.”

Blame Game: Everyone’s at Fault (Except Hak Tuye, Obviously)

The demon’s wrath spiraled into a toddler-tier tantrum. “Economists ruined everything with their ‘data’ and ‘logic’! And don’t get me started on consumers,” he hissed, waving a claw at a chart titled “Why Are You All So Reasonable??” “You switched to store-brand cereal? Diapers? You’re supposed to max out credit cards on artisanal kombucha! And CARPOOLING? I’ll revoke your ‘suffering’ loyalty points!”

“Climate change was my ace! Crops failing, insurance premiums exploding—chef’s kiss! But nooo, suddenly we get a ‘normal hurricane season’? BORING. Call me when Florida’s underwater and on fire.”

Wall Street’s Betrayal: Green Arrows, Red Faces

As stocks rallied, Hak Tuye hurled a cursed Bloomberg Terminal at a portrait of Warren Buffett. “Look at these fools—Tesla’s up 7.6%? That’s Elon’s ego inflating, not the economy! And Nvidia? Please. I’ll short their stock so hard, gamers’ GPUs will mine tears.” He then tried to hex the Nasdaq, but his spell backfired, conjuring a viral TikTok of kittens day-trading.

“...This is fine.”

Tariffs: Hak Tuye’s New Crush

Inflation Cools Hell’s CFO: Amid the despair, Hak Tuye found solace in trade wars. “Canada’s slapping $21B in tariffs? Marry me!” he squealed, doodling hearts around a graph of EU tariffs. “Nothing says ‘economic bedlam’ like two nations arguing over maple syrup and cheese! Let’s escalate! I want tariffs on emoji interpretations!”

Consumer Confidence: The Ultimate Diss

The final blow? Optimism. “People are happy? Gas prices ‘stable’? Rent hikes ‘slowing’? What’s next—universal healthcare?!” Hak Tuye collapsed into a throne of repossession notices, muttering, “I’ll regroup… Maybe a crypto-collapse? A Taylor Swift tour crashing Ticketmaster again? OOH, a ‘shrinkflation’ scandal where Skittles bags just have one gray Skittle!”

As he was speaking an angel from Heaven, slapped cuffs on Hak Tuye and they vanished into a vortex, leaving nothing but a wake of expired coupons and Subprime Mortgages. Hak Tuye was heard last saying, “Enjoy your ‘affordability’ while it lasts, mortals! My next act includes a collab with the Duke of Student Debt and a surprise cameo by ‘Interest Rates!”

The Holy Angel was not available for comment.