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In a move so baffling it could be classified as an act of national treason, Jaguar’s latest ad campaign has been branded "absolute trash" by the British public. The resulting outrage has led to dramatic calls for the CEO's public burning at the stake, and not for any particularly spicy marketing gimmick—but because the ad "looks like it was directed by someone who's never seen a Jaguar, or a car, or even a human."
The ad, which features non-binary models dancing around in a neon-lit studio with wind machines cranking like it’s the last scene of Blade Runner, has left viewers stunned and appalled. "It’s like they were trying to advertise a car but accidentally created a rave for confused aliens," said one perplexed Londoner, sipping his overpriced chai latte while staring into the void. "Where’s the jaguar? Where’s the car? What is this? A metaphor for how much we’ve lost as a nation?"
Hashtags like #JaguarIsWitchcraft and #BurnTheCEO have exploded across social media, as UK citizens band together to protest what they’re calling a "heinous affront to the Queen’s sensibilities." The unnamed CEO, for fear of being hit by an angry mob armed with picket signs and poorly drawn portraits of cats, has been accused of "spells, curses, and unholy auto-blasphemy."
“First, they make a car that sounds like a Hoover, then they try to turn us into climate-loving wizards," said a furious local. "This ad is witchcraft, and they/them are a witch! It’s the only explanation."
Hundreds of furious Brits have gathered outside Jaguar’s headquarters, demanding a return to "real British luxury," which, according to their signs, means cars that make enough noise to rattle your teeth and don't look like the last thing you'd find in a 1980s sci-fi movie.
The hashtag #BurnTheCEO has quickly become a trending topic, with calls for a "proper public execution" to rid the UK of this "dark sorcery." In an act of protest, one particularly heated group has reportedly set up a makeshift stake in the middle of Piccadilly Circus, complete with a fire extinguisher, a banner that says “Where’s The Car?”, and an excellent homemade "Witchcraft 101" sign.
In a desperate attempt to calm the storm, Jaguar issued a statement, saying, "We deeply regret if our ad campaign didn’t resonate with the public. We intended it to showcase our cutting-edge technology and commitment to the dark arts. We will, of course, take these concerns under advisement and may or may not summon an actual jaguar next time."
However, their apology was quickly met with accusations of "too much internationalism" and "not enough roast beef and Yorkshire pudding" from online critics. Many have now begun calling for a full-blown boycott of Jaguar vehicles in favor of "something more traditional—like a Bentley that can actually go vroom."
At press time, a group of furious activists, wielding pitchforks and waving Union Jack flags, were seen marching toward Jaguar's factory. As for the CEO’s whereabouts? Well, they are currently unknown—though reports suggest they might be hiding out in a New Age crystal shop somewhere in the Cotswolds, possibly chanting “I am one with the wind machine.”
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