BREAKING NEWS: John Deere Unveils New Tractor That Can Only Be Repaired By NASA Scientists

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JD-EX MasterLock 9000 will ban all owners from even thinking about "fixing" it.

MOLINE, IL — Agricultural juggernaut John Deere announced today the release of its latest innovation, the JD-EX MasterLock 9000, a tractor that will allegedly revolutionize farming by ensuring that only authorized repair personnel—and possibly a team of NASA engineers—can fix even the smallest issues.

“Farmers have been asking for reliability, and we’re delivering a product that ensures they don’t even need to worry about repairs,” said a John Deere spokesperson. “Because they simply won’t be allowed to do any.”

"Is John Deere's New NASA-Exclusive Tractor Repair Policy Fair to Farmers?" - Kubota Fan Tim Decker

The announcement comes on the heels of a lawsuit by the FTC accusing Deere of monopolistic repair practices. Critics have claimed that Deere’s tractors already function as $500,000 paperweights when even minor software glitches arise—an issue the JD-EX MasterLock 9000 addresses by doubling down on proprietary control mechanisms.

John Deere Unveils

“We’ve enhanced security features so thoroughly that even thinking about unscrewing a bolt will trigger a self-destruct protocol,” the spokesperson added proudly. “And for the first time ever, our tractors come with a built-in polygraph to ensure only approved dealers handle repairs. It’s farmer-proof and hack-proof.”

The all new JD-EX MasterLock 9000 apparently comes with a small robot that will stab you if you try to open the hood.

Farmers, however, are less enthusiastic. “I had to sell a kidney just to replace the seat cushions on my Deere combine,” said Iowa corn farmer Bill Jansen. “Now I hear the only way to fix this thing is to ship it back to Moline by helicopter and pay for an elite repair team to parachute in. I’m just gonna buy a horse.”

Adding to the tension is Deere’s “Right-to-Repair™” agreement from 2023, which, according to legal experts, seems to exist in name only. Farmers report they are still unable to access critical repair software, though they now receive a complimentary green-and-yellow stress ball with every complaint filed.

In a rare public statement, a John Deere executive attempted to quell concerns: “We understand farmers’ frustration, but they’re missing the point. Our tractors aren’t just equipment—they’re experiences. And part of that experience is learning to live with the knowledge that you’ll never, ever be able to fix it yourself.”

The JD-EX MasterLock 9000 is set to hit the market this spring, retailing at $1.2 million, or approximately the annual GDP of a small village. Buyers will be required to sign a 400-page user agreement waiving all rights to independent repair and possibly naming John Deere as a beneficiary in their will.

At press time, rival equipment manufacturer Kubota had announced a new line of tractors, boldly marketed as “The Ones That Actually Work.”

In Other News: The FTC has filed a lawsuit against Deere & Company, accusing the agricultural giant of hogging its repair software like a toddler clinging to a toy. The complaint alleges Deere’s repair monopoly drives up costs and forces farmers to rely on authorized dealers, turning a tractor breakdown into a financial crisis. While Deere reached a "right-to-repair" agreement in 2023, critics say it’s about as effective as a raincoat in a hurricane. Shame on John Deere for being such creeps—if only they made it as easy to repair their reputation as it is to break their tractors.

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