Apocalypse Now or Just LA on Fire? Interdimensional Beings, Comet-Eating Bears, and the Wildest Apophis Conspiracy Yet

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Apophis, a world altering comet may want to say hello to the earth in 2029.

In an interstellar exclusive, HardHatKings.com has unearthed the truth behind Los Angeles’s recent wildfires, and it’s not what you think. Forget climate change, arson, or your neighbor’s gender reveal party gone nuclear. According to a secret cabal of online theorists and one surprisingly chatty interdimensional being, these fires are part of a hush-hush government plan to save Earth from the Apophis comet.

Yes, you read that right: wildfires as comet defense. Let’s dive into the flaming dumpster of conspiracy theories, shall we?

Introducing Xzorp, Interdimensional Fire Consultant

“Oh, this one’s rich,” laughs Xzorp, a pulsating orb of sentient plasma from the Andromeda Galaxy, as they settle into a seat that spontaneously combusts under their heat. “Your species’ knack for turning disasters into conspiracies is absolutely top-tier entertainment.”

Xzorp claims to work as an unpaid intern for the Galactic Coalition’s Disaster Management Division. According to them, the theory that Los Angeles is being prepped as a battlefield for Apophis defense tech is “half-baked but wildly creative”—and, shockingly, not entirely off-base.

“First of all, yes, Apophis is swinging by in 2029. It’s like that friend who RSVP’s to your party but shows up just to stand outside your window and stare ominously,” Xzorp explains. “But no, humanity’s ‘master plan’ to fight it with lasers and wildfire-cleared zones? Pure fanfiction. You’re barely managing your ozone layer, let alone planetary defense lasers.”

Apophis comet is setting its sites on Earth.

Neil deGrasse Tyson Weighs In

Neil deGrasse Tyson, an astrophysicist and author, warned in 2007 that the asteroid Apophis could hit Earth in 2036. He also said that Apophis would make a close approach to Earth in 2029. Tyson said, "If it strikes and hits the center of where we think it will be, it will plunge into the Pacific Ocean, cavitate the ocean with a three-mile wide hole, three miles deep." Tyson was warning about the potential impact of the asteroid Apophis on Earth. He said that if the asteroid hit Earth, it could cause a tsunami that would destroy the West Coast of North America.

The Apophis Prevention Plan: Clearing LA for ‘Science Stuff’

The theory goes something like this: by burning down large swathes of Los Angeles, the government is clearing the way for secret anti-comet technologies. These might include space lasers, giant nets, or, as one particularly inventive TikTok theorist proposed, a “comet-eating AI bear” named Kevin.

One viral Reddit post from user “ApophisWatcher420” spells it out: “No trees mean no obstructions for ground-based lasers. Wake up, sheeple. We’re cooking the planet to save it!” The comment received 37 upvotes and one reply that simply said, “Kevin would never.”

NASA, predictably, denies everything. “Wildfires are a climate issue, not a comet-prep issue,” said spokesperson Dr. Lisa Anders while visibly suppressing an eye twitch. “And there is no Kevin.”

The Helicopter and Laser ‘Evidence’

Internet sleuths have been hard at work analyzing blurry footage of helicopters flying over fire zones, convinced they’re deploying "space mirrors" or “laser tripods.” Meanwhile, a grainy video of what appears to be a laser shooting into the sky was quickly debunked as a TikTok filter. Still, this has done little to dampen the enthusiasm of theorists who insist “NASA just doesn’t want us to know the truth.”

“Listen, I’ve seen better ‘evidence’ in intergalactic karaoke bar fights,” Xzorp quips. “And those usually involve plasma grenades and at least one time-traveling iguana.”

The ‘Big Science’ Cover-Up

What’s a good conspiracy without accusing the rich and powerful of plotting our demise? Theorists suggest that if Apophis does hit, the elites will hide in underground bunkers while the rest of us enjoy a front-row seat to extinction. “Think about it,” tweeted @CometConspiracyQueen. “Why tell us the truth when they can just take our tax dollars and build bunkers with infinity pools?”

For the record, Xzorp is skeptical. “Your bunkers can barely handle a Category 5 hurricane, let alone a comet impact. Trust me, I’ve seen what happens when a civilization tries to out-rich its way out of cosmic doom. Spoiler: it’s hilarious but messy.”

The Avenger-Level Sacrifice Angle

Some theorists take a more romantic view. “If true, it’s kind of noble,” mused Twitter user @ConspiracyCap. “Sacrificing LA to save the world? Sounds like an Avengers subplot. But, like, without Chris Hemsworth. Which is sad.”

Dr. Elisa Clark, a legitimate astrophysicist, finds this hilarious. “We’re not sacrificing LA, okay? Apophis is not going to hit us in 2029. It’s a wake-up call for planetary defense, sure, but we’re not exactly ‘burn-it-all’ levels of desperate.”

The Truth is Out There… Kind Of

As Los Angeles rebuilds and the internet spirals deeper into its laser-lit rabbit hole, one thing remains clear: humanity’s capacity for turning tragedy into absurdity is unmatched.

“If you’re genuinely worried about Apophis, maybe focus less on wildfires and more on funding actual space programs,” Xzorp suggests before vanishing in a puff of ozone. “Or, you know, just invite Kevin to the next interdimensional summit. He’s pretty great at karaoke. Also I wouldn't invest in the West Coast if I were you.”

NASA has since determined that Apophis is unlikely to hit Earth in 2029, but again, Kevin also "doesn’t" exist. Time will tell, time will tell.

#science #satire #conspiracy