Labor Department Tackles Harassment in Construction by Introducing Its Own Harassment Team

DOL new policy to harass em' back.

WASHINGTON, D.C.— In a bold move to address persistent harassment issues in the construction industry, the U.S. Department of Labor (DOL) has announced the deployment of a specialized team to personally harass construction workers, saying firsthand experience is the key to solving the problem.

“We can’t fix what we don’t understand,” said a DOL spokesperson during the guide’s release on Nov. 21. “To combat harassment, we’re sending trained agents to construction sites nationwide to provide immersive, hands-on demonstrations of just how awful harassment can be.”

The guide, titled “If You Can’t Beat ’Em, Harass ’Em Back,” includes detailed examples of inappropriate behavior, such as passing off derogatory remarks as banter, dismissing graffiti as “artistic freedom,” and ignoring the structural inequalities of unkempt women’s restrooms. The document also encourages contractors to think critically about the impacts of workplace harassment, right before they experience a targeted barrage of nicknames, unwelcome comments, and vague threats from the newly formed Federal Harassment Squad (FHS).

“We’re Here to Help (And Heckle)”

The DOL’s new initiative, part of the White House’s National Strategy on Gender Equity and Equality, promises to leave no hardhat unscathed. “If you’re yelling, ‘Nice hammer work, sweetheart!’ at your coworker, we’ll be there, yelling back, ‘Great ladder climbing, Grandpa!’” said the spokesperson. “It’s all about creating a learning moment through mutual discomfort.”

The team has already been spotted on sites across the nation. At one construction site in Ohio, FHS agents reportedly erected a poorly spelled graffiti mural reading, “Foremen Can’t Hammer Straight” in the break area. “It’s unsettling, but effective,” said one bewildered foreman, now reconsidering the morale impact of the hateful graffiti he’s ignored for years.

Unsurprisingly Unpopular

Reactions among construction workers have been mixed, with some citing concerns about “too much bureaucracy” and others just trying to avoid eye contact with federal agents heckling them over their coffee choices.

“Sure, harassment is a problem,” said one site manager in Texas. “But do we really need some guy from D.C. shoving a photocopied list of ‘Things Your Mother Wouldn’t Approve Of’ in my face? I already have OSHA breathing down my neck about railings.”

A Bold Path Forward

The guide also outlines “best practices” for reducing harassment, including mandatory seminars, anonymous reporting systems, and actively not harassing people. However, the DOL acknowledged its approach may not work for everyone. “This strategy is just one tool in the toolbox,” the spokesperson admitted. “But we’re confident that after 30 minutes of relentless taunting from one of our agents, even the most stubborn worker will start reconsidering their workplace culture.”

While some question the effectiveness of harassment-as-prevention, others believe this bold initiative could pave the way for more innovative solutions to workplace issues. As one anonymous DOL employee put it, “You can’t spell constructive criticism without construct.”

For now, the FHS remains on the ground, armed with sharp tongues and even sharper wit, working to ensure that the construction industry becomes less toxic—one insult at a time.

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