Local Church Declares Victory Over Fire, Credits Divine Firefighting Unit BREAKING NEWS

In California, only a small old church left standing. Whose planet is this really?

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In a miraculous turn of events that has left local residents astounded, Holy Flame Tabernacle near Palisades California, emerged unscathed from the recent wildfire that razed the surrounding area. Church leaders have attributed the building’s survival to nothing less than divine intervention.

“God sent an angel, and let me tell you, this angel was OSHA-certified,” declared Pastor Bill Carmichael, standing in front of the untouched church amid a landscape of ash and charred ruins. “While the fire raged all around, the Lord’s celestial fire marshal made sure we stayed in compliance with divine safety codes.”

Eyewitness accounts have only deepened the mystery. Local resident Debbie Sanders, who lost her nearby pottery studio to the flames, claimed she saw what appeared to be “a six-winged figure in reflective gear holding a heavenly fire extinguisher.”

Church Declares Victory Over Fire

“It was spraying something that smelled like… well, like frankincense and also maybe purple Gatorade,” Sanders recounted, adding that she could’ve sworn she heard faint harp music in the background as the flames receded. “Honestly, I wasn’t mad. If I had to lose my kiln, at least it’s because Heaven’s Emergency Management showed up to handle it. That’s better customer service than I’ve ever gotten from the actual fire department.”

Despite the church's miraculous survival, skeptics have emerged. Fire marshal Tom Henderson, who recently went viral for trying to use a garden hose to contain a wildfire, suggested the building’s fireproof siding and well-maintained defensible space might have played a role. “Sure, angels are cool and all,” he said, “but have you seen how many sprinklers they have on that property? It’s like they were expecting this.” When reached for comment, EMBER, a fringe organization that once threatened to sue the government for extinguishing wildfires and "violating nature's will," stated, “We’re just asking questions about why this church got special treatment. Maybe the angel has a thing against chaparral?”

Still, church members remain steadfast in their belief that a higher power protected them. “The angel didn’t just save the church; it also rearranged the hymnals,” claimed choir director Mildred Walters. “Now they’re organized by key signature. That’s how you know it’s divine intervention.”

The event has prompted Holy Flame Tabernacle to desire to install a new stained glass window depicting their angelic firefighter, complete with a golden axe and a smoke detector halo re-arranging the books. “This is proof that when God closes one door, He opens another – preferably a fire-rated one,” Pastor Carmichael said.

Meanwhile, nearby residents are left wondering why divine priorities didn’t include saving the town’s beloved donut shop. “I guess angels don’t like bear claws,” muttered one resident.

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