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“Lovin’ Every Minute of It”: Florida Man Declares Trump’s Executive Orders ‘Best Thing Since Gator Wrasslin’
- Mike Honcho
- Feb 17
- 4 min read
OCALA, FL — As President Donald J. Trump barrels into his second term with a hurricane of executive orders, one man in the Sunshine State is more excited than a gator at a chicken farm. Chet Rawlins, a construction worker, iguana breeder, and part-time swamp creature wrestler, has declared Trump’s latest flurry of pen strokes “the best thing since gator wrasslin’.”
“Man, I tell ya, I ain’t read a single one of them orders, but I just feel like they’re doin’ somethin’ real good,” Chet said, adjusting his “Make Airboats Great Again” trucker hat while an iguana clung to his shoulder like a furry epaulet. “You can just tell when a man’s signin’ stuff with conviction. And buddy, nobody grips a Sharpie like ol’ Don. It’s like he’s signin’ his name on the soul of America itself.”
Chet, whose daily routine includes wrestling swamp creatures, laying concrete, and running a thriving black-market iguana sanctuary (“Government don’t need to know about that part”), is convinced that Trump’s executive orders are the perfect mix of patriotism and bold decision-making.
“These executive orders are bringin’ back the golden age of America, just like Trump promised,” he said, swatting away the iguana, which hissed indignantly before scampering off into a pile of empty Busch Light cans. “You know, back when men were men, gas was 99 cents, and you could wrestle a croc without some bureaucrat showin’ up askin’ if it had a name and feelings. Now that’s the America I wanna live in.”
Chet’s Favorite Executive Orders (Probably)
Among the executive orders Chet is particularly excited about—though he admits he hasn’t fully read them—are:
The ‘More Freedom, Less Rules’ Act: Chet assumes this makes “everything a little more legal, especially if you got a good reason.” He’s already planning to test its limits by building a backyard roller coaster out of reclaimed swamp wood. “If it collapses, that’s just Darwinism in action,” he said with a shrug.
The ‘Patriotic Workouts Initiative’: Chet is convinced this will mandate that all gyms play Lynyrd Skynyrd on loop. “Nothin’ gets me pumped like ‘Free Bird’ on repeat,” he said, flexing a bicep with a tattoo of an alligator wearing sunglasses. “It’s like pre-workout, but for your soul.”
The ‘Make Florida Even Floridier’ Bill: Chet believes this will finally legalize alligator ownership for personal defense. “If a burglar breaks into my house, I wanna be able to sic my pet gator, Freedom, on ‘em,” he explained. “That’s just common sense.”
Chet also credits Trump’s executive actions for making his day-to-day life “more American.”
“Ever since he started signin’ them things, my truck’s been runnin’ smoother, my beer’s been colder, and my gators have been extra feisty,” he said. “Coincidence? I think not. It’s like the president’s signature is a magical spell for awesomeness.”
Chet’s Philosophy on Checks and Balances
Trump’s Executive Orders ‘Best Thing; Despite warnings from political analysts that unchecked executive orders might erode legislative checks and balances, Chet remains unfazed.
“Look, if I can make decisions for my iguana farm without 400 people weighin’ in, I reckon the president oughta have the same courtesy,” he reasoned. “Sometimes you just gotta slap your signature on somethin’ and trust that it works out. That’s how I ended up with 47 iguanas and a pet raccoon named Earl. And you know what? It’s workin’ out just fine.”
Chet’s faith in executive power extends beyond politics. He’s even started signing his own “executive orders” around the house.
“Last week, I signed an order mandatin’ that my wife’s meatloaf be served with extra ketchup,” he said. “She wasn’t thrilled, but I told her it’s for the good of the household. Sometimes you gotta be decisive.”
Trump’s Executive Orders ‘Best Thing to Celebrate Freedom, One Gator at a Time
As Trump promises even more executive actions in the weeks to come, Chet is already making plans to celebrate.
“Might wrestle me two gators at once this time,” he said proudly. “In honor of freedom. And if that don’t work out, I’ll just declare it a national holiday and call it a day.”
Chet’s enthusiasm has inspired his friends and neighbors, who have started referring to him as “the Swamp King.”
“Chet’s a true patriot,” said his neighbor, Earl “Big Earl” Johnson, who once tried to wrestle a manatee and lived to tell the tale. “He’s out there every day, livin’ the American dream—wrestlin’ gators, drinkin’ beer, and ignorin’ the fine print. That’s what this country’s all about.”
The Future: More Executive Orders, More Excitement
With Trump promising even more executive actions in the weeks to come, Chet is already planning his celebrations.
“Might wrestle two gators at once this time,” he said proudly, cracking open a fresh beer. “In honor of freedom.”
Chet also has a few suggestions for additional executive orders he’d like to see in the near future, including:
Mandatory Truck Nuts on All Pickups Over 250 HP
Free Dip for Anyone Who Can Spell ‘Second Amendment’ Without Looking It Up
Universal Airboat Access for Every American Family
A Special Tax Break for People Named Chet
A National Treasure
Chet’s story has resonated far beyond the swamps of Ocala. Social media has lit up with hashtags like #Chet2024 and #SwampPatriot, and memes of Chet riding an airboat with a gator in a MAGA hat have gone viral.
“I ain’t much for the internet,” Chet admitted. “But if my story inspires folks to embrace freedom, wrestle more gators, and maybe read an executive order or two, then I reckon I’ve done my part.”
At press time, Chet was seen spray-painting ‘EXECUTIVE ORDER THIS’ onto a swamp boat while blasting “Born to Be Wild.” When asked if he had any final thoughts, he paused, cracked open a beer, and said, “God bless America, God bless Florida, and God bless anyone who’s brave enough to wrassle a gator. Now if you’ll excuse me, I got some orders to sign.”
And with that, Chet disappeared into the swamp, a true American hero—or at least a guy who knows how to make the most of a Sharpie. Sources report that a bald eagle flew overhead at that exact moment, confirming beyond any doubt that America is indeed, great again.
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