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MAUI, HI—In a dramatic turn of events, the County of Maui’s plans to expand a new landfill capacity have hit an unexpected snag: furious opposition from none other than Maui, the legendary Polynesian demigod.
The County recently announced a $4 million agreement with Nan, Inc., Hawai‘i’s largest locally owned construction company, to purchase 79 acres of quarried land near the Central Maui Landfill. The deal aims to provide decades of landfill space and a permanent disposal site for debris from the 2023 Lahaina Wildfires. However, Maui the demigod—known for his feats of strength, wit, and occasional impulsive outbursts—is not having it.
“This island isn’t a dumping ground!” thundered Maui, reportedly manifesting in an ominous cloud over the county offices. “I lifted the sky, fished the islands out of the sea, and slowed the sun. And THIS is how you repay me? By stuffing my hard work with your old mattresses and pizza boxes?”
While Mayor Richard Bissen expressed gratitude for the land acquisition, calling it a “critical step toward resilience,” Maui’s celestial fury suggests the deal might face cosmic opposition. “I didn’t turn into a hawk and battle lava monsters for you to bury disaster debris on my island,” Maui added in a fiery press release delivered via volcanic plume.
Despite the divine drama, the county sees the agreement as vital. “The wildfire debris alone would consume nearly two years’ worth of landfill space,” said Shayne Agawa, Director of Environmental Management. “This land ensures we can manage waste sustainably—unless, of course, Maui decides to hurl the island of Moloka‘i at us.”
Nan, Inc. owner Nan Chul Shin remained diplomatic, stating, “We’re proud to support Maui’s recovery. And should the demigod challenge us, we’ll look into a design-build temple to placate him.”
Maui, meanwhile, has reportedly begun carving an ominous “NO” into a nearby mountain with his legendary fishhook, leaving residents to wonder if the landfill—or the island itself—will survive his wrath.
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