News Update:John Deere Expands Self-Repair Options, But It May Require Just a Little Bit of Your Blood and a Contract to Sell Your Firstborn (Even if They Are Adults)

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"What's a little blood and your kid worth compared to the elegance of owning a John Deer." - Denver Caldwell VP of Aftermarket & Customer Support

In a bold move that’s sure to revolutionize the self-repair landscape, John Deere has announced it will expand its self-repair options for customers in a way that’s “never been seen before”—as long as you don’t mind parting with some personal collateral, a drop of blood, and perhaps a legally binding contract to sell your firstborn child, even if they’ve reached adulthood.

In a press release sent out earlier this week, John Deere unveiled what it describes as a “significant step forward in supporting customers' ability to maintain and repair their machines across the agricultural and construction industries.” The company said it is now offering customers—and independent repair techs—a new way to reprogram Deere-manufactured electronic controllers, one of the key components of their high-tech machinery. The catch? You’ll need to sign an agreement that ties your assets, identity, and possibly a future generation of your family to the repair process.

"We've long been committed to enhancing our customers' ability to repair their equipment," said Denver Caldwell, John Deere's vice president of aftermarket and customer support, in the release. "But as our equipment has become more technologically advanced, so too have the repair tools needed to match it. We understand that sometimes, customers are looking for more freedom in working on their own machines. That’s why, in addition to providing the tools, we’ve also introduced a small contract to help with any financial mishaps caused by these repairs, which may or may not involve an inheritance clause.”

Caldwell continued, "We are always looking for ways to improve the customer experience, which now includes an agreement that guarantees John Deere’s claim to ownership of all future farming crops grown with the self-repaired machines. Think of it as our commitment to making sure that after fixing the machine, you’ll still need us for all the backup you’ll ever need."

While many customers have long yearned for the right to fix their own equipment without dealing with the complexities of dealer repairs, John Deere’s new approach is making a bold statement: self-repair is not for the faint of heart.

"If you’ve ever wanted to experience true independence in your farming operations, now is your chance," said Caldwell, referencing the hefty indemnity waiver customers must sign to access the self-repair tools. "Sure, there’s a blood oath involved, but we think it’s a small price to pay for the convenience of working on your equipment, even if it means sacrificing a few years of your savings or taking out a second mortgage on your home.”

The announcement has received mixed reactions from farmers and construction workers alike, with some praising the option to repair machines at home and others questioning the legal complexities surrounding John Deere’s new policies. Some critics wonder if the fine print will soon demand even more—perhaps ownership of your tractor’s children, or a small share of the soil you plow with it.

One thing’s for certain, however: John Deere is hoping that by offering more self-repair options, it can reduce customer downtime—and increase its own stockpile of first born sons aka customer collateral. Killer robots that prevent owners from opening the hood have not been discontinued.

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