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Open Letter from a Nonprofit CEO: “The Feds Are Ruining our Vibe
- Jeremy Borings #1 Fan
- Feb 24
- 3 min read
By Penelope Pockets, CEO of “Helping Hands
Greetings, social media luminaries and casual scrollers who’ve stumbled into my dumpster fire! Let’s cut to the chase: The federal government is cramping my vibe. They’re out here acting like grant compliance is a “real thing” and not a gentle suggestion, like “please recycle” or “don’t lick the office printer.” But before you report me to the IRS again, let me explain why my slightly unconventional methods are actually, philanthropic genius.
A Nonprofit CEO: The Feds Are Worse Than My Ex And That’s Saying Something
Look, I get it. Rules are important. But the government’s obsession with “accountability” is so 2019. You know what’s not in the Geneva Convention? Forcing nonprofits to document every paperclip purchase while the Pentagon loses $3 trillion in a Pentagon-shaped couch. Priorities, people!
When they froze our reimbursements, they didn’t just “halt cash flow”—they forced us to innovate! And by “innovate,” I mean “launder optimism through a series of regrettable choices.” Which brings me to my next point…
Fentanyl: The Ultimate Poverty Alleviation Tool
Allegedly, there may have been a small incident involving 17 tons of fentanyl “redirected” to a local gang. But hear me out! These are underserved entrepreneurs! They’re just trying to monetize their skill set in a post-industrial economy.
Our “Fenty4Future” Program Breakdown:
Job Creation: The gang now operates a thriving “wellness distribution network.” (Take that, Amazon!)
Education: We taught them QuickBooks! Sure, they use it to track “inventory” instead of “outreach,” but literacy is literacy.
Community Bonding: Nothing unites a neighborhood like a shared interest in not overdosing.
And before you ask: Yes, some of it ended up in schools. But we rebranded it as “STEM kits”! Chemistry is chemistry, Karen.
USAID Made Me Do It
So maybe I “borrowed” a few million from USAID to fund my boutique llama farm (llamas are critical to trauma recovery, Google it). But let’s be real: USAID’s grant guidelines are intentionally vague. When they said, “Think outside the box,” they literally meant “embezzle with gusto.”
Direct Quote from a USAID Rep (Probably):“Penelope, sweetie, just take the money and build something quirky. Maybe a glamp ground for displaced bees? We don’t care, we’re defunded in six months anyway.” Besides, if the government didn’t want us to “reallocate” funds, why did they make wire transfers so easy? Checkmate, bureaucrats.
A Nonprofit CEO: Why I’m Basically Mother Teresa But with Better Tax Lawyers
Let’s address the elephant in the room: Why am I smuggling drugs and laundering cash instead of, say, feeding people? Because hunger is a symptom, darling. The real disease is lack of hustle.
Case Study: My “Fentanyl Arts & Crafts” Initiative
Problem: Kids in low-income areas have too much free time.
Solution: Teach them to make fentanyl-laced friendship bracelets!
Outcome: They’re now too blissed out to join gangs. You’re welcome, society.
Meanwhile, the Pentagon spends $800 billion a year to blow up sand. But sure, I’m the problem.
The Real Villains Here Spoiler: It’s Everyone But Me
Private Foundations: Out here acting like $5k grants can solve homelessness. Honey, that won’t even cover the avocado toast at our “poverty strategy brunch.”
The IRS: Harassing me over “questionable deductions” while Elon Musk pays $0 in taxes. Let him sell one less flamethrower and fund a soup kitchen!
Taylor Swift: She hasn’t even acknowledged my 147 DMs about sponsoring our “Fenty & Folklore” summer camp. Ungrateful.
In Conclusion: Don’t @ Me Unless It’s a Wire Transfer
Are my methods unorthodox? Absolutely. But in a world where Congress thinks “nonprofit” means “volunteers paid in exposure,” you gotta play the game. And if the game involves offshore accounts, artisanal opioids, and a hint of treason? So be it.
So next time you judge my “creative accounting,” ask yourself: What have YOU done to fight poverty today? (And no, your $5 Starbucks donation doesn’t count.)
Donate now! We accept crypto, Venmo, and rare exotic animals.
Penelope Pockets is the CEO of “Helping Hands,” a UNESCO-certified “Chaos Agent,” and inventor of the world’s first edible grant proposal. She is currently accepting bail funds and/or a cameo in Ozark Season 9. This post is satire. Or is it? 💊🦙
P.S. A Nonprofit CEO: To the FBI agent reading this: Please—we both know you’re just jealous of my Llama Wellness Retreat. Let’s partner! I’ll trade you two alpacas and a lifetime supply of fentanyl-scented candles for immunity.
DM me.
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