Oracle of Supply Chain Cementing Legacy as Spreadsheet Demigod

A statute AI interpretation of "The Oracle of Supply Chain"

HOUSTON, TX—G. Rose, the man dubbed the "Oracle of the Supply Chain," has reached an extraordinary milestone: a full decade of service at a well known OEM. At just 30 something years old, Rose is now the third-longest-serving employee in the company’s illustrious 15-year history—a feat so rare it reportedly triggered a standing ovation at a senior management annual training he wasn't invited too.

“G. is more than a supply chain supervisor,” said a colleague who requested anonymity. “He’s basically the company’s horcrux. You don’t really see him often, but you know the business would implode without him.”

G’s pièce de résistance is the infamous 37-tab spreadsheet known internally as The Matrix. Rumored to contain not only every bolt, nut, and flange in the OEM ecosystem but also “an algorithm for predicting Armageddon,” The Matrix has achieved mythical status.

“Legend has it, one of those tabs predicts lunar cycles,” said Miriam, a fellow Supply Chain analyst. “And another one can tell you the best time to reorder hydraulic hoses—based on Mercury retrograde.”

But G himself remains humble about his creation. “It’s just math,” he said, adjusting his ergonomic desk chair. “But the kind of math that could rewrite the ending of Inception, if I had the time.”

ORACLE OF SUPPLY CHAIN

A true modern-day renaissance man, G’s skill set transcends supply chain mastery. He’s also a pioneer in office folklore.

In 2018, he reportedly calculated inventory forecasts so accurate that coworkers began consulting him for lotto numbers. And in 2021, he allegedly survived a full week on nothing but expired vending machine starbursts and Coor's light to close out quarter-end reports.

“G once claimed he optimized a freight schedule to save us four minutes of transit time,” said Eduardo, the freight & logistics manager. “I don’t know if that’s true, but it makes a great motivational poster.”

This poster hangs above the CEO's office to remind him of true legendary status.

Despite his accolades, G’s coworkers admit he’s not one for modernity. “G's resistance to cloud-based systems is legendary,” said A. Koss, a regional business manager. “He calls them ‘the floppy disks of the future.’ Once, he even brought in an abacus to prove his point. To be fair, it did balance inventory faster than our software.”

Still, G insists he’s not anti-progress. “I just prefer tools that work,” he said, while meticulously laminating a flowchart titled Why We Don’t Need Feelings.

A Legacy of Unlikely Achievements

As he enters his eleventh year, Rose’s legacy is secure. “I don’t need a plaque,” he said. “I just need a department that respects the power of the IF-THEN statement.”

Rumors swirl that his next project involves coding The Matrix to sync with a Nintendo game boy “for the aesthetic.”

Whether he’s charting new paths—or just charting—one thing is clear: G Rose isn’t just surviving OEM's supply chain; he’s bending it to his will. Or, at the very least, to the whims of Excel’s conditional formatting.

*names and places have been changed to protect people and 3rd parties and the reputation of SAAS that actually suck terribly.