OSHA Declares Victory Over Trench Collapses, Workers Mourn Loss of “Natural Selection” Opportunities -

The Logo for Natural Selection 2nd Cousin. Its a simple of freedom.

In a move that has OSHA officials high-fiving in fluorescent vests, new data reveals a dramatic 70% decline in worker fatalities from trench collapses and a 20% drop in fatal falls. While the agency is celebrating what it calls “progress,” some workers claim the efforts are robbing them of their God-given right to tempt fate in America’s most dangerous ditches.

“OSHA’s out here meddling in the Darwin effect,” grumbled Jimmy “Hard Hat” Johnson, a self-described excavation enthusiast. “How’s a man supposed to prove he’s tougher than dirt when the government keeps shoving safety harnesses in his face?”

The federal agency reported 826 worker deaths in fiscal year 2024, down from 928 the previous year. Excluding COVID-related deaths, this is the lowest number since 2017. OSHA credits this progress to aggressive enforcement, intensive outreach, and a “zero-tolerance” policy for unprotected trenches. Critics, however, say these policies are killing the American dream—one safety rule at a time.

“I came to this country for freedom,” said Carlos “Two-Toe” Martinez, who proudly works without steel-toed boots. “But OSHA says I need toe caps, harnesses, and trench boxes. That’s not freedom—it’s oppression.”

Douglas Parker, assistant secretary for OSHA, dismissed these criticisms, stating, “We’re not here to ruin anyone’s fun; we’re just trying to stop people from dying like cartoon characters. Falling into an unshored trench isn’t a personality trait—it’s a preventable hazard.”

OSHA a symbol of safety and they are not afraid to take credit for every life saved. Even the ones they have nothing to do with. Somewhere, someway, OSHA was responsible.

Despite OSHA’s free and confidential compliance assistance programs, some workers remain unconvinced. “It’s un-American,” said Randy “Barefoot Bob” Thompson, a roofer who insists gravity is a government conspiracy. “Our forefathers didn’t have fall protection, and they built this country just fine. Sure, half of them didn’t live to see 30, but that’s the price of freedom.”

Meanwhile, trench collapses are becoming so rare that die-hard thrill-seekers are reportedly digging their own holes just to feel alive. “It’s not about the paycheck anymore,” Johnson explained. “It’s about staring death in the face, saying ‘Not today,’ and then blaming OSHA when you sprain your ankle.”

For now, OSHA plans to continue its campaign of “ruining the fun” in the name of workplace safety, much to the dismay of workers who believe that survival should be earned, not enforced.

“Safety’s important, sure,” Martinez said with a shrug. “But where’s the glory in coming home with all your limbs?”

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