Power Line Wins Moral Victory After Connecticut Worker Awarded $2M

Cartoon from the daily bugle that reads, "Electricity really know how to make an entrance, shockingly good at it."

NAUGATUCK, CT—While Kevin Shepard, 56, walks away with a $2 million jury award following his electric shock incident in a trench, the true victim—the power line—remains neglected. The incident, which occurred on June 18, 2019, saw Shepard suffer nerve damage and other injuries. But no one stopped to ask, “How does the electricity feel?”

The power company, Connecticut Light & Power (doing business as Eversource Energy), argued it wasn’t entirely at fault. Still, the jury sided with Shepard, recognizing the mismarking of the power line as a significant oversight. However, the line’s own testimony—delivered silently through high-voltage sparks—was curiously absent from the proceedings.

“We didn’t count this as a death, so it’s a win for us,” said an unnamed spokesperson for OSHA, who added, “Trench deaths are still way, way down because we are great at what we do, despite the fact that our entire organization may be filled with energy vampires.” OSHA’s glowing self-assessment marks a rare moment of humor in what’s otherwise a shocking tale of negligence.

The $2 million award includes $1.5 million for future non-economic damages and $500,000 for past non-economic damages, but the power line receives no recognition for its hard work under challenging conditions. As one nearby circuit breaker put it, “Nobody cares about the power lines until something goes wrong. We’re the unsung heroes of modern life.”

Shepard’s lawsuit may bring him some relief, but as for the power line? It’s back to work, seven feet, eight inches from its intended location, tirelessly delivering energy and silently awaiting its next brush with fame.

Worker Awarded $2M

In a stunning turn of events, Keven Shepard, who was awarded $2 million after suing Connecticut Light & Power Company for mismarking an underground power line, has announced his plans to spend the entire sum on lottery tickets and craft beers. Shepard, 56, who suffered nerve and muscle damage from the incident, expressed his excitement over the financial windfall, saying, “Hey, why not? Maybe I’ll strike it rich or at least drown my sorrows in some really fancy brews.”

The Naugatuck resident, who previously worked as a laborer replacing water lines, said he sees the award as a “golden opportunity” to try his luck and enjoy some “well-deserved” indulgence. “Who needs a retirement fund when you’ve got a stack of scratch-offs and a cold one in hand?” Shepard quipped.

Connecticut Light & Power Company, also known as Eversource Energy, expressed disappointment in the decision but acknowledged they could only laugh at Shepard’s audacity. “I mean, good for him, I guess,” said a company spokesperson, shaking their head. “At least he’s found a way to keep himself entertained.”

Shepard’s plans come as a surprise to many, but he remains undeterred. “Life’s too short not to dream big and drink fancy beers,” he added. “I’m gonna milk this cash cow for all it’s worth—no pun intended.”

#OSHA #energyvampires #Satire