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Bill Gates and friends enter protein bar replacement industry with: Soylent Green: Eco-Friendly Snack That’s Saving Humanity
- Canadian Joe
- Feb 12
- 3 min read
Updated: Feb 14
REDMOND, WA — In a bold leap toward “solving world hunger while saving the planet,” tech mogul Bill Gates has partnered with Silicon Valley’s most ethically flexible startups to unveil Soylent Green™, the revolutionary food bar that’s “literally changing the definition of farm-to-table.”
What’s in the Bar? Innovation!
Gates, famed for his love of lab-grown burgers and mosquito-laser philanthropy, announced the product at a glitzy launch event where attendees were handed samples and subpoenas. The ingredient list reads like a dystopian grocery list:
Ground-up bugs: For that authentic crunch (and to hit your daily quota of existential dread).
Organic food dyes: Because nothing says “natural” like neon-green sludge!
Sugar: To keep you addicted long enough to ignore the aftertaste of regret.
Human biomass: The secret ingredient you’ll love to hate! “It’s not cannibalism—it’s upcycling,” clarified CEO Ethan Thrive, while adjusting his $2500 hemp blazer.
Soylent Green: Eco-Friendly Snack But Wait, Isn’t Soylent Green… People?
When pressed about the product’s eerie resemblance to the 1973 dystopian thriller Soylent Green, Gates chuckled: “We’re just borrowing the name! And the concept. And the target demographic.” Thrive added, “Look, landfills are overflowing with perfectly good hipsters. Why not close the loop?”
Sustainability You Can Taste!
Soylent Green isn’t just a snack—it’s a movement. Each bar “saves the planet” by:
Solving overpopulation (“One bite, one fewer mouth to feed!”).
Reducing food waste (thanks to “voluntary” body donations via Tinder bios).
Cutting carbon emissions by 200%* (*math verified by ChatGPT).
Testimonials from Early Adopters
“I ate Soylent Green and finally understood my purpose in life: to become Soylent Green,” said one user, moments before mysteriously vanishing. Another raved, “It’s like a protein bar and a midlife crisis had a baby!” Another user said, "I heard it has crickets in it which is just basically land shrimp, lets just ignore 80% have parasites living on them, its fine."
Flavor? Soy. Options? Zero.
Why only soy flavor? “We’re eliminating choice paralysis,” said Thrive. “Besides, soy is bland enough to distract from the screaming void inside.”
USAID’s $10 Billion Vote of Confidence
The product initially garnered glowing left support. USAID spokesperson Karen Lightyear gushed, “We were ready to fund Soylent Green as the future of humanitarian aid. It’s affordable, shelf-stable, and solves the protein gap! Plus, the ‘circular protein economy’ aligns perfectly with our—” Then the DOGE Group intervened led by Elon Musk himself.
"This is just another example why USAID needs to get shut down now," said Musk.
Famous for meme-driven lobbying, leaked internal documents revealing Soylent Green’s true secret ingredient: humans, harvested from “volunteers” who clicked “AGREE” on a 50,000-word Terms of Service via social media profiles. USAID’s grant vanished faster than a Bitcoin wallet password.
Only after the scandal erupted did ThriveTech CEO Ethan Bliss confirm the rumors: “Yes, Soylent Green contains ethically sourced human biomass. But it’s fine! These are people who opted in via our social media profiles. They are all ready lonely and we wanted their heroic sacrrafice to offset their carbon footprints!” He added, “The soy flavor masks the… tang of existential despair.”
Freedom of Speech: Pre-Order you supply of Soylent Green Now!
For just $199/month, you’ll get a Soylent Green subscription and a complimentary “I Ate My Neighbor” tote bag. Act fast—supplies are limited (and so are your loved ones). (REMOVED LINK- ETHICAL ISSUE.)
Update: Soylent Green says its now with 75% less people. Disclaimer: Soylent Green is 100% ethically evil. Consult your priest, rabbi, or local homeless shaman before consumption.
This article is satire. Probably. But have you checked your protein bar’s ingredients lately?
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