Top 8 ideas to keep your cool during an ICE Raid at the jobsite

MILWAUKEE— With ICE agents reportedly planning a comeback tour at workplaces nationwide, it’s time to prepare for the day your jobsite becomes the unexpected set of America’s Next Top Deportation. Here’s your playbook for surviving an ICE raid while keeping the chaos at a respectable sitcom level.

1. ICE Raid Shows Up Unannounced? Pretend You’re Not Home.

Photo accurate portrayal of ICE raiding a job site.

If ICE agents roll up without a judicial warrant, congratulations—you’ve just won a round of Red Light, Green Light. Legally, they can’t step foot on private property without the right paperwork. Stand tall, fold your arms, and channel your inner bouncer: “Sorry, not on the list.” Bonus points if you mispronounce “warrant” just to buy time.

2. Inspect the Warrant Like It’s Your Tinder Match.

If they whip out a warrant, it’s time for a deep dive. Is it signed by a judge, or just by someone’s cousin Steve? Does it spell your company’s name right, or did it autocorrect to “Jimbob’s Backhoe Bonanza”? If it’s missing even one detail, give them your best polite-but-smug smile and say, “Yeah, we’re gonna need you to resubmit this with revisions.”

3. Don’t Be the Teacher’s Pet.

If ICE asks about an employee on their warrant, don’t play detective for them. “Is Pablo here today?” is not your cue to start pointing fingers like it’s a murder mystery dinner party. Instead, just shrug and say, “Pablo? Never heard of him. Sounds like a great guy, though.”

4. Lights, Camera, Chaos!

Assign someone to document the raid like it’s the opening scene of a Netflix drama. ICE agents know that nobody wants to be the next viral villain, so a camera might just turn their raid into a tea break. Add in your best “director commentary” to keep things lively: “Ooh, bold move storming the porta-potty first—classic rookie mistake!”

5. The Great Escape Is a Bad Idea.

Whatever you do, don’t help unauthorized employees flee the scene like you’re auditioning for Fast & Furious: Jobsite Drift. Assisting workers in escaping ICE might sound heroic, but it’s less “Captain America” and more “oops, now you’re also going to jail.”

A poster that you can apparently now purchase at large box stores.

6. Prep Like It’s a Fire Drill—but Spicier.

Host a Rapid Raid Response training for your team. Nothing says “company culture” like practicing how to politely, but firmly, not cooperate with federal agents. Treat it like a game of improv: “Yes, and I will absolutely not be providing any additional information today.”

7. Don’t Let the Fear Win (But Maybe Hide the Burrito Truck).

Your team is already nervous enough. ICE agents may want your crew to sort themselves into “totally legal” and “questionably employed” piles, but your job is to channel every HR pamphlet you’ve ever skimmed: “We’re all one team here, and we refuse to label people. Namaste.”

8. Call Your Lawyer Faster Than a Pizza Order.

ICE agents don’t wait for attorneys, so make sure you’ve got yours on speed dial. If you don’t have a lawyer, congratulations—you now know what your next HR meeting is about. Pro tip: sending the warrant as an email attachment labeled “URGENT – NOT A DRILL” is your best shot at a rapid response.

So, there you have it—your foolproof guide to turning an ICE raid from a workplace disaster into just another mildly awkward Tuesday. So, whether you’re a general contractor or just the guy responsible for checking the porta-potty stock, follow these tips to ensure that your jobsite stays as safe and ICE-proof as humanly possible. And if all else fails, just remember: “No one ever got deported for perfecting OSHA compliance.

#iceraids #satire #OSHA