Trump’s Bold Tariff Plan Exposes Shocking Truth: Mexico, Canada, and China Harbor Vampires

President Trump ordering wooden stakes to be added to military.

Vamps

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MAR-A-LAGO, FL—In a stunning twist that has left both economists and conspiracy theorists reeling, President-elect Donald Trump has revealed the real reason behind his sweeping tariffs on Mexico, Canada, and China: the three nations are allegedly harboring vampires.

“People don’t know this, but these countries aren’t just sending over cheap goods and illegal drugs,” Trump declared during a rally in North Carolina.

“They’re sending vampires—bloodthirsty monsters—right into our great, great country. And you know what? We’re putting a stop to it. No more vampires. Not on my watch.”

The tariffs, which will impose a 25% tax on imports from Mexico and Canada and 10% on goods from China, are now being framed as the first line of defense in what Trump has dubbed the “War on Bloodsuckers.”

The Vampire Threat: What Trump Knows

According to Trump, Mexico, Canada, and China have been secretly harboring vampire covens for centuries, using the creatures to gain economic and strategic advantages over the United States.

“China has been sending vampire spies disguised as students to steal our secrets,” Trump said. “Canada? They’re letting vampires sneak across the border with all their fake politeness. And Mexico—well, we all know they’ve got vampire cartels. It’s a disaster, folks.”

Trump’s supporters, already galvanized by his America First agenda, have embraced the vampire revelation with enthusiasm.

“It all makes sense now,” said Karen McAllister, a Trump supporter from Iowa. “Why else would garlic prices be so high? The Deep State doesn’t want us to know what’s really going on. Thank God for Trump!”

Critics Question Evidence, But Trump Stands Firm

As expected, critics have pushed back, with many dismissing Trump’s claims as baseless fearmongering.

“This is absurd,” said one analyst from CNN. “There is no credible evidence to suggest that vampires even exist, let alone that they are a geopolitical threat.”

But Trump shrugged off the criticism, insisting his sources are unimpeachable.

“I’ve got the best intel, folks,” he said. “Nobody knows more about vampires than me—nobody. Believe me, I’ve talked to all the top vampire hunters. They tell me I’m 100% right.”

A Bold Plan to Fight Vampires and Win

Trump’s tariff plan isn’t the only weapon in his anti-vampire arsenal. He also promised to increase funding for “vampire-proof” border walls, implement garlic subsidies for American farmers, and launch a “Vampire Eradication Task Force” led by his eldest son, Donald Trump Jr.

“We’re going to flood the borders with holy water and UV lights,” Trump said. “And I’m talking to my friends in Romania—they know vampires better than anyone—to make sure we have the best, most beautiful wooden stakes. It’s going to be huge.”

Supporters Rally Behind Trump’s Vision

Trump’s announcement has invigorated his base, with many praising his bravery for tackling the vampire menace head-on.

“It takes guts to expose something this big,” said Randy Thompson, a small business owner from Ohio. “Other presidents were too scared to take on Big Vampire, but not Trump. He’s got the backbone—and the garlic—to do what needs to be done.”

At the rally’s conclusion, Trump left the crowd with a rallying cry: “We’re going to win the fight against vampires, we’re going to make America safe again, and most importantly, we’re going to make America great again—without bloodsuckers!”

An undisclosed elder vampire reacted, “Trade wars and borders mean nothing to us—Mexico, Canada, China… all nations are but feeding grounds. You worry about tariffs, yet it is your lifeblood we truly crave.”

Stay tuned as we continue this coverage.

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