UnitedHealth’s Wild Ride: DOJ Probes, Layoffs, and a Billionaire’s Twitter Tantrum

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Too Big to Fail or Failing Upwards?

Key Points (Because Who Has Time to Read the Whole Thing?):

• UnitedHealthcare is back in the headlines, and not for handing out free Band-Aids. The insurance behemoth is juggling a DOJ investigation, employee buyouts, and a very public spat with billionaire Bill Ackman, who apparently has too much time on his hands.

  
  

• Its parent company, UnitedHealth Group, has had a year so chaotic it makes Game of Thrones look like a PBS documentary. Highlights include: a top executive’s murder, a cyberattack that leaked data on roughly everyone in America, and medical costs so high they’re giving shareholders heart attacks.

  
  

• Shares have dropped 23% in three months, proving that even the biggest health-care conglomerate in the U.S. isn’t immune to the occasional dumpster fire.

UnitedHealth’s Wild Ride: The DOJ Investigation: “Medicare Advantage” or Medicare Malpractice?

The Department of Justice is reportedly investigating whether UnitedHealth’s Medicare Advantage plans are less “advantage” and more “scam.” The probe focuses on whether the company was inflating diagnoses to squeeze extra cash from the government. Because nothing says “health care” like turning sick seniors into a profit center.

The Wall Street Journal broke the story, and UnitedHealth responded with the corporate equivalent of “fake news!” The company insists it’s a paragon of compliance, which is what every company says right before the handcuffs come out.

Analysts, meanwhile, are shrugging it off, calling the investigation a “lengthy process” that won’t hurt the company’s bottom line anytime soon. Translation: “We’ll worry about this in 2030 when we’re all retired.”

Employee Buyouts: “Please Leave, But Like, Voluntarily”

In a move that screams “we’re cutting costs but don’t want to say layoffs,” UnitedHealthcare is offering buyouts to employees. The company claims it’s all part of a “digital transformation,” which is corporate-speak for “robots are cheaper than people.”

If enough employees don’t take the buyout, layoffs could follow. Because nothing boosts morale like a game of “Survivor: Corporate Edition.”

Bill Ackman’s Twitter Crusade: Billionaire vs. Insurance Giant

Billionaire investor Bill Ackman, who apparently moonlights as a health-care vigilante, has been publicly feuding with UnitedHealth. He recently pledged to cover the legal fees of a Texas doctor who claims the company interfered with her surgery to deny a patient’s care.

Ackman took to X (formerly Twitter) to demand an SEC investigation, accusing UnitedHealth of inflating profits by denying necessary medical procedures. Because if there’s one thing Americans love, it’s a billionaire yelling about corporate greed on social media.

UnitedHealth’s lawyers quickly shut him down, forcing Ackman to delete his posts. But don’t worry, he’s already moved on to his next crusade—probably something involving avocado toast.

The Year From Hell: Murder, Cyberattacks, and Sky-High Costs

UnitedHealth’s parent company has had a year so bad it could be a Netflix true crime series. In December, CEO Brian Thompson was murdered, unleashing a wave of anger toward the insurance industry and calls for reform. Because apparently, killing a CEO is what it takes to get people to care about health-care reform.

Then there was the cyberattack on subsidiary Change Healthcare, which exposed the data of 190 million people. That’s roughly 60% of the U.S. population, or as UnitedHealth calls it, “Tuesday.” The company has paid out over $3 billion to affected providers, which is a lot of money but still less than what they’ve saved by denying claims.

3 months ago the stock was over 600 per share.

The Stock Market: Down, Down, Down

UnitedHealth’s stock has dropped 23% in three months, including a 9% nosedive after the DOJ probe was announced. Investors are clearly spooked, which is what happens when your company’s year includes murder, cyberattacks, and a billionaire dragging you on Twitter.

Conclusion: Is UnitedHealth Too Big to Fail or Just Too Big to Function?United Health Group is the largest health-care conglomerate in the U.S., but its recent struggles raise the question: is it too big to fail, or just too big to function? Between DOJ probes, layoffs, and Ackman’s tweets, the company is proving that even giants can stumble.

But hey, at least they’re consistent—consistently in hot water, that is.

Disclaimer: No billionaires were harmed in the writing of this article. UnitedHealth, however, might need a hug.