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CHARLESTON, WV—In a groundbreaking move fueled by tweets and unparalleled self-assurance, the West Virginia Department of Transportation (WVDOT) has passed a law banning all construction equipment brands that fail to meet Dr. Flat Surface’s exacting standards of global virtue and personal annoyance.
“It’s simple,” Dr. Surface tweeted from an undisclosed location, likely adorned with an American flag cape. “If your company’s headquarters is in a country I’m currently irritated with, your bulldozers are officially banned from West Virginia soil.”
The law, known unofficially as the “Surface Knows Best Act,” has taken the state by storm. Replying to @LiuGong_NA, Dr. Surface declared, “LiuGong is a CHINESE company. We have American-based companies that we should be buying heavy equipment from—not from oppressive, human rights-violating countries. @WVDOT will take note.”
Dr. Surface’s righteous fury didn’t stop there. He accused manufacturers like Caterpillar Inc. of failing his rigorous personal ethics audit. “Do you know where China ranks as a world polluter?” he asked his audience of 135 devoted followers, who heroically retweeted one of his messages "that one time."
Building a New Era of Shovel-Based Infrastructure
The legislation, passed unanimously, requires all equipment manufacturers to submit a detailed report on their carbon emissions, political alliances, and maritime boundary disputes before being considered for state contracts.
Local contractors are less than thrilled. “Our project backlog just went from six months to six years,” lamented Rick Thompson, a foreman for Blue Ridge Builders. “The only approved equipment brand now is a wheelbarrow company in Vermont. And even they’re on thin ice.”
Global manufacturers, desperate to appease Dr. Surface, are scrambling to comply. Caterpillar has pledged to withdraw entirely from the Pacific Ocean, while LiuGong announced plans to plant a tree for every annoyed tweet they receive from Surface.
When asked for further comment, Dr. Surface provided yet another enigmatic tweet: “The more you continue... the more I promise to take even more action,” leaving many wondering if the statement referred to heavy equipment, climate change, or the long-standing feud with his HOA over mailbox aesthetics.
The Rise of Dr. Flat Surface: Patient Feedback Edition
Dr. Surface’s newfound fame as the ultimate arbiter of geopolitical construction ethics for West Virginia has brought renewed scrutiny to his medical career. In 2013, a patient sued him for allegedly verbally accosting her after denying treatment for a knee injury. Tanya H. claimed that Dr. Flat Surface pushed her away from the waiting room window, triggering a panic attack and leading to a lawsuit over emotional distress.
Since then, patient reviews of Dr. Surface have been less than stellar. One former patient remarked, “He doesn’t have bedside manners. He went in and did surgery, taking stuff out without me knowing. And he seems to think you’re only there for pain meds.” Another said, “The clinical manager treated me like white trash and I'm not even white.
AGAIN, DO NOT GO TO THIS DOCTOR.”
Other grievances include:
“I didn’t feel respected.”
“Difficult to schedule an appointment.”
“He didn’t listen or answer questions.”
“Didn’t explain conditions well but promised his tools weren't made in China.”
“Staff wasn’t friendly and seemed to be slightly dead inside.”
“The appointment was rushed like my ex husband use to do.”
“I didn’t trust the provider’s decisions.”
“Long wait times.”
One particularly exasperated patient captured the zeitgeist of the moment: “Why is he focused on construction equipment and geopolitics? I just need him to stop tweeting and do something about my humerus fracture.”
An Accidental Job Creator
Despite the controversy, Dr. Flat Surface’s crusade has inadvertently spurred economic growth in the most unexpected way. With bulldozers banned, sales of American-made shovels have skyrocketed 300%.
“We may not have excavators anymore,” said one enthusiastic West Virginian. “But by God, we’ll dig our way to the future—one shovel at a time.”
As Dr. Surface’s influence grows, West Virginia residents are bracing for more sweeping changes. Whether it’s the global equipment market or a small-town sidewalk repair, one thing is clear: Dr. Surface always knows best even when he doesn't really understand what he is saying.
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